Amsterdam

So here are some of my favorite pics from amsterdam

Here are some sweet pics from Paris, some of my favorites that I never compiled into a favorite photos list.

I feel they get somewhat lost amongst the other 700 photos I took while in Europe so I thought this was a good place to post a few (prior to this I was unaware that you could post more than one picture per post...)

Knowing really is half the battle...

Godless Morality

I can't speak for everyone but as an atheist (or anti-theist) I can answer my own perspective.

I really have very few absolutes in morality, even killing can sometimes be justified (i.e. food, defense, etc...) same with stealing, lying, etc...

One of the few absolutes I do have are rape, I have never found a just reason for this to occur.

I think a lot of my morality comes from my beliefs that I am an animal and I have a overwhelming responsibility to preserve our species (a very primal and instinctual need) This is why I care about the welfare of minorities and children, why I don't want to hurt other human beings, why I want to preserve our habitat (the earth) and why I don't want to bring our society to chaos (i.e. raping, stealing from, killing people in my society)

It may be hard to understand but even without the bible or other dogmatic book there are many sources to get a good idea of morality. Myths and stories are chocked full of moral messages to humanity, even bible stories aren't bad in and of themselves (ok, some are, King Nebakanezer and Job stand out to me as some of the worst morals in the bible) as long as they are taken as literary myth (which is what they are)

My point is that man made all these things (from Christian God to Zeus) and we have been figuring out our morality since we became capable of abstract reasoning. Abstract reasoning is the only reason we think about morality in the first place, otherwise it wouldn't come up at all. But, if you look at a herd of elephants while they don't have the reasoning or the moral teachings of religion (or any other source) they still take care of their young and sick, grieve for their dead, and work to preserve their community, all this without a bible or a God.

I know this is a bit long winded but my point is that human beings invented God to:

a) Control a vast uneducated majority
b) Remove responsibility from themselves when they do act immorally or aren't strong enough to act independently (i.e. the satan made me do it defense or " turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him" in AA)

There is nothing wrong with a personal relationship with a god you believe in, it can give you strength when you feel you have none, the problem comes with the fact that you if you believe, it's an entire lifestyle.

If you believe you have some sort of greater realization about the creation of the universe and everything in it, including yourself, you can't keep it to yourself.

If you actually believe that your God holds all the answers to life then you will follow anything that claims to be his work because you have to, IT'S GOD. This leads to horrible acts and makes it hard to socially evolve, which is how this comes back to same sex marriage.

Human beings are capable of despicable acts because they feel they are acting on behalf of a higher power and a greater purpose. Instead of learning new things and furthering our intelligence it would seem that religion has haltered our social and moral evolution, it continues to pull us back to medieval thought processes despite the fact that we should be dispelling these ancient ideas based on new knowledge.

My biggest peeve comes from the idea that "we figured it out", religious types are convinced that they know "the purpose to life", that they figured out why we are here and all the secrets to the universe (god made them...) and that they figured it out before we had indoor plumbing! They have the arrogance to point out the fallacies of science, the points where it went wrong and we proved ourselves incorrect. But, the people who reject the idea of an omnipotent, omnipresent god have a better insight into this. We don't know, we'ver never known and while it seems we know less than before we know less and less about more and more, and that's what matters.

There is no shame in humbling in the face of our own ignorance as long as we strive to know more, religion tells us we don't need to do that because it already has the answers, except, it doesn't.

I know this was really long winded and I went on a few digressions but hopefully this explains my position on morality without deity.

Hey, You know what sucks?

when you are the lowest priority...

Does everyone else react to this the same way I do?

As soon as I feel unappreciated my first instinct in to unappreciate back... It's strange, do I think somehow the other person will feel this and reflect upon their own unappreciative ways?

That's not how people or situations work, I know this and yet still, this is my immediate response. Retributive justice is ridiculous, it's not justice at all!

Ok, so I'm having a kinda pissed off day, does it show through my blog?

I can't wait till Andrea comes home!!! (July 6-13th!) I'm already dreading when she will have to leave again... sigh...

wickkkked!!

So this Friday (that just past) band practice got canceled because Caitlin was sick. She's our drummer so renting a space for $20 an hour without the drums being used seemed pointless.

We decided to just have a writing session at Misty's, Dee didn't make it. Half way through our jam Misty, Yvo, and I got a text from Dee telling us to "come over and drink", to which we replied "come to band practice and drink!!". We got one more reply from her saying "her tetra is broken", that's a good enough excuse in any of our books, we know the importance of a well working tetra.

Anyway, without Dee and Caitlin there Misty, Yvo, and I still ended up writing 2 songs. This is kind of rad because all three of us really love 3 chord punk rock so our songs (while definitely simpler without the guitar wailing experience Dee has) reflect that and are very much the kind of stupid fun songs we wanted to write when we got together.

Also, we have 2 shows that are pretty much confirmed. June 24th at the Kathedral (I believe this is a cake fight show) and July 10th, opening up for the Creeps in Toronto. I REALLY want to do an away show, one of the big reasons I wanted to be in a band was so that I could go on tour (and possibly see Andrea since she moved to Vancouver!) So things are looking up and promising!

BANG IT OUT!!!!

update...

The FINALLY official name of my band is "Bang It Out", look for our upcoming album (at a yet to be disclosed date) "Really, Really Good Taste" soon... or when we finally do more than get really fucked up at band practice...

The "DL"

Disclaimer: This opinion of the "Downlow*" is based completely on the number of stories I have heard from people I know and knew and the vast amount of craigslist.ca casual encounters posts I have read, it comes from personal experiences (as a mostly straight girl) and does not in any way try to explain this group as a whole despite the blanket statements and run on sentences...

Straight guys on the "DL" get their cocks sucked by boys all the time, yet they claim they are straight, or "bi-curious". In most if not all the stories I've heard the first time a straight boy has one of these "encounters" it is with a male who is significantly (whether factual or relative) older than he is, the situation is somewhat seedy, or at the very least scandalous enough to become a secret (whether factual or relative) and it usually happens after a good amount of sex with girls, making the boys in their early to mid twenties and up.

It seems that this first encounter has a lot to do with who goes back for more and why. As we know people have sex for pleasure, not just families but that's not where the reasons people have sex stop. People have sex in anger ("hatefucking"**) there's resentful sex, sex to get back at other people, drug sex (pick your poison) and the list goes on and on, but one that comes up a lot, a really common one is "feel better about yourself fucking". When you have sex and someone makes you feel incredibly hot and out of their league it feels amazing, there's a certain satisfaction in it that nothing duplicates. When you're heading out of your prime or you aren't a movie star good looks person it feels amazing to fuck someone who feels privileged to service you.

Most gay guys I know find straight boys incredibly erotic, probably because they are the untouchables. The boys that gay guys know, no matter how good looking they are, they can never fuck. So when one of these so called "straight men" gives it a go it's a triumph for the man who "brought them over". This is probably what makes it so erotic to get them.

On the other hand the "heterosexuals" are both curious and knowing in this encounter. They are curious because it is simply human urge to wonder about things outside the norm in every situation (even if you detest it you had to wonder about it to come to that conclusion) and this includes sexuality, who can say they haven't had at least one homoerotic dream? They are knowing because they can sense the anticipation and the excitement in their partner (like anyone who is about to engage with someone who really wants it) and this spur’s them further, making it even more enticing than the initial curiosity.

These all spring from the same thing, both the straight and the gay man are given a boost to their self esteem. The heterosexual feeling more wanted than usual (specifically because in most heterosexual relationships this power is held by the female) and the homosexual feeling that he is so enticing he tempted someone who isn't usually attracted to his sex. I believe the DL has nothing to do with women***in any capacity, it's not that these men are no longer attracted to women but being with women doesn't give them the same boost of self esteem. They still go home or out and try to have sleep with the opposite sex but now and then they engage in this gratifying sex that has more to do with "feeling good about yourself" than anything else.****


*The Downlow or DL is when men who claim to live a heterosexual life participate in homosexual acts and keep it a secret (unless they get really drunk with a loose tongue and their most "open" friend)


**Ha ha ha


***well yeah, I guess that's obvious but I'm not just talking about the act.


****Unless they're gay...

Top 10 ways for straight girls to have sex...or more importantly, great sex.

Just something that I was going to put into a zine I was going to start, needless to say that didn't happen so I thought I would pollute the internet with it. Stand by, more to come!

1. Masturbate Like Crazy and Lose Your Virginity! - I lost it early and it took me till I was legal to find someone who could make me cum, you don't want to spend forever with someone who can't make you cum. Women’s bodies aren't easy to manipulate and you have to figure out how it works yourself first and that takes practice, you don't want to waste the most fun part of a relationship (the honeymoon period) still working on it! Though it seems shiny and new the first couple times regardless of whether you cum or not, eventually it'll drive anyone insane. Besides, the older you get the older the guys you have sex with get and it seems that now days few want the daunting task of your first intercourse experience (save for a few kinks)

2.Use The Internet - That's what it was invented for anyway and while in the real world women out number men, in the online dating/casual encounters world the opposite it true. It's an untapped well of horny straight (and slightly curved) men that will fuck anyone, a girl, any girl, is a godsend. Just make sure your safe (online safe means a jimmy) and meet in public first.

3.Don't Be Desperate, Be Confident - It appears that there is nothing people want less than things that are thrown at them. If you want to have sex with someone the last thing you should do is walk up and tell them that, flirt, be obvious even, but never tell them because as soon as they know for a fact that it's true they know that they get to decide when and if it happens (which immediately drains it of a whole bunch of sexy anticipation, the chase is always better than the kill) I know it sounds like inspiration for young teens but being confident is so sexy, when you walk out thinking you are going to fuck whoever you want, it shows. People are immediately interested if they see you with no fear, if you're not confident, fake it.

4.Lower Your Standards - If you're out to fuck you can't expect to fuck only your ideal, that's the guy you want to be in a relationship with, not have a one night stand with. Take a chubby/scrawny/big nosed/bad hair/bad tattoo/bad taste/short/tall one sometimes. Don't rid yourself of standards (because that can lead to gross post feelings) but a 7or 6 (or 5 if you get really desperate) outta 10 ain’t bad, and sometimes the not ideal could surprise you by being ideal in the sack!

5.Be A Giver - Boys love a good blow job, if you don't suck cock you should learn fast because your breed is dying. Does sex without oral even exist anymore? Is it fun? Being good at sucking cock gives you an edge if you ever end up with a guy who isn’t the biggest giver. He’ll know that if he wants your sweet, sweet cock sucking action he’ll have to reciprocate!

6.Don't Be Shy - Being coy and shy is one thing when your flirting but in the middle of copulating it's just annoying. Again, the female body is hard to figure out so throw your partner a bone so to speak and tell him what you want. Tell him where to go and what to do when he gets there, it will make sex more enjoyable and stress free for both of you and inspire more vocalization during sex which is always more fun. This rule also applies to your kinks (and his) if there's something different you want to try, ask, if he's not into it don't take it personally. If he asks and it's something you don't want to do very respectfully (and not judgingly because he just showed huge vulnerability) say no, or jump in and try something new, who knows what it will awaken within you.

7.Show Off the Biggest Part Of Your Body - No matter what part it is there's a fetish out there for it and if boys with that fetish see it they are more likely to approach you. It's especially good if you hate said body part because there is nothing hotter and more confidence inspiring than fucking someone who thinks your giant tits/ass/feet/belly/nipples/vagina/hips/neck/shoulders/ears/whatever is the sexiest thing ever and seeing you flaunt it will just make him want you that much more.

8.Know How To End A One Night Stand - don't turn sex into this huge emotional thing all the time. Can sex be emotional and "special"? Yes, of course it can but not if that emotion and "specialness" wasn't there before the sex happened. There are important times in your life and relationships when sex will mean something deeper but those times usually don't include the random you met at a party and talked to for 25 minutes before going home with, there is no need to cry when he doesn't call or bring him a homemade tuque/baked good the next time you see him because he probably wants to see you for the same reason he saw you last time (and that should be the reason your seeing him) you fall in love in between, not at the beginning. If you’re that person, stop it, your ruining casual sex for the rest of us. If you sleep with a boy that is that person, run.

9. Orgasm - or fake it, either way people will want to have more sex with you if they think they are a great lover and it will inspire them to work harder (so ideally the next one will be real). If you do fake it just remember that you are only cheating yourself because there's no way he's faking it so that you feel good.

10. Go Out And Party, But Not With All Girls – You’re not going to meet anyone new to fuck if all you do is hang out with the same people in the same place night after night. A lot of great sex comes from friends of friends you meet on a whim and end up chatting with, it's harder to meet someone when you don't have that initial icebreaker introduction. Also, a pack of girls spells hard to penetrate (in every sense) to a guy, it's hard enough for them to approach one let alone an entire horde. Your best luck will come from going out with a mixed gender group but staying distant from the boys in it (so your potential doesn't mistake one of your friends for a boyfriend) When you first get introduced say something that let's him know you noticed him before your meeting, i.e. "I saw your hat/bike/art/penis earlier, it was awesome". If there is reciprocation you are in, if not, move on.

The Busy Ramones/ The Keepers

Hey look, I'm in a band now! We were writing this week and I video recorded it mostly so I could remember what our new song (tentatively titled "Drive By Shooting") sounded like, so here it is:
Tabi filming and doing the singing
Dee playing lead guitar (and mouthing along)
Misty playing guitar
and Caitlin playing the most wicked set of box drums I've ever seen!
Yvo is on bass but was not present, enjoy!!

Internet Pornography!

Pornography is good; it keeps things interesting in your marital bed, helps you knock a quick one off before work, and makes for an amazing Saturday afternoon alone. I don't have the internet at home; I haven't had a reliable source of internet in 4 years. While this may sound frustrating for someone who loves pornography, in retrospect, I am grateful that the internet has never been my main source of whack it material. "Why?” you ask, oh gentle reader? It's as simple as this: There is too much porn on the internet.

There was a day when people who wanted to watch porn had to go into a special store that sold it, all the windows were blacked out and there was a man with judging eyes at the counter. You would walk in and head straight for the back and when you had what you wanted you check out at the counter, never once making eye contact and pray that when you walked out that door someone you knew wasn't walking by. You couldn't watch anything you were too embarrassed to buy or rent and so this embarrassment kept us in check. With the dawn of internet porn so went any shame we could feel, there was no man at the counter judging your choice, no seedy windowless store, there was no chance Laura from work was going to walk by as you made your exit. Now any trace of what you've been pleasuring yourself to can be erased with a few clicks of the mouse.

The simplicity and ease in which we can access any sexual act known to man is dangerous. The comfort of being on your property, knowing no one will ever know what you have seen and pleasured yourself to, and the constantly rising bar of what turns you on are a far cry from the first little scared pornography viewers. There is never any consequence attached to pornography any more so it is allowed to run rampant in any fashion it (or you) wishes it too.

Sex is intricately linked with our most primal urges; it makes sense then that after viewing a cornucopia of basic sexual intercourse one starts searching for more. The more you strip away the pleasantries that our society has placed upon sex (feelings of love, general sweetness, the missionary position. When was the last time you watched porn with the missionary position in it!?) The closer to the core of our primal urges you get. Violence, humiliation, dominance, these are an insanely popular portion of sex websites. These things in and of themselves are not wrong or bad, I don't believe anything with two consenting adults is really "wrong" (see: Being a Libertarian Is Fucking Hard) however, internet pornography is insanely addictive and it's almost worse than a lot of drugs because you do it alone, you are your only voice of reason.

It's not that I think internet porn is horribly affecting our society and our morals are crumbling because of it. It's a much more personal problem, You start with something you think is a strange fetish that you wouldn't want people to know about, maybe it's toes or being tied up or giant tits but then it spirals down and down, now you're watching Thai hookers or 50 guys jerking off into a cup for one woman to drink from, or someone sucking an animal cock and the kicker is, your not even watching it because it turns you on, you're just watching it because you have to see it. You heard about it or read about it and now you need to see what that looks like. Did anyone ever think that a clip of scat porn would rock the internet as the clip of the week? Who the fuck ever thought something like "2 girls 1 cup" would be referenced in the mainstream media!?

Ok, so despite my objections I really do think porn in general is a good thing and this internet porn addiction is going to be a personal battle for everyone who finds themselves in that world, as it should be. No government or protest group should be the one who decides what is best for you to watch, the onus falls solely on the watcher. You decide what is too much and you decide when you’ve seen enough, like smoking, or drinking (or the way drugs and prostitution should be) I had to just cut myself off for a while and not get the internet at home to kick it because I started to have trouble finding any sex appealing, it desensitized me to regular 1 boy, 1 girl sex and made getting off harder because the insertion of anything into anywhere started seeming…for lack of a better word, “icky”. I saw myself return to the time before I had sex, when porn just seemed messy and gross; it was actually stifling my sex drive, doing the opposite of its purpose.

I don’t really have a closing argument for this one; it was really one long digression about my experience with internet porn. I would like to state that I feel recovered, sex is sexy again, porn is hot, I just needed to remove myself from it to remember what I actually found erotic and what was just the need to see. So to conclude, porn=good, internet porn=good, excess of anything=bad.

Ooooh, a comment!

I don't know anything about libertarianism, so please forgive my ignorance if my question is old or silly.

If libertarianism is about being able to do what you want without hurting anyone, how do you define what hurt is? And who gets to decide?

For instance, you could say that shooting heroin isn't hurting anyone (except maybe the person shooting) but couldn't there also be an argument made that (if the person is on a downward spiral) are being hurt (or could be depending on the situation)? Or even in a larger context, the issues of the drug trade in general (largely because it is illegal and therefore part of an informal unregulated market, etc) -- violence, poverty, etc -- can the drug user be absolved of these kinds of 'hurts' if they are implicated in it?

I am certainly not against drug use and actually support decriminalizing drugs, but not because of libertarian views. In fact the same argument above could be used in cases of alcoholism, etc etc.

Any thoughts?

I guess my question comes down to, who decides what qualifies as hurt?

great writing by the way, very interesting.





Dear Anonymous,
You are very astute! I guess (on a personal level, I can’t speak for everyone who identifies themselves as a libertarian) I use this view more politically. As a simple definition:

A libertarian is someone who, in general, supports government policies that favor individual liberty in all matters and seek to minimize or even abolish the state.

'Libertarian' is an antonym of 'authoritarian', so I hope that better explains my position. On the subject of drugs (i.e. your heroin example) the political libertarian in me says that drugs should be legalized and taxed appropriately, the revenue would easily cover not only the health costs of addicts but also recovery programs that will be well funded enough to actually help (I feel this way about prostitution as well)

You make a good point when you bring up “the people who love that person”, however, I don’t really think that matters. Many people who love me disagree with my choices, that doesn’t mean what they think is what is best or fair. I smoke pot, I’m really sorry my mother disagrees with this (mostly because it is not “legal”) and thinks it is ruining my life but it comes down to being my choice and I am not forcing her to smoke pot so I can’t see any reason why I shouldn’t. On the other hand some addicts have dependants, I don’t think a mother of two should be shooting up everyday, I also don’t think she should drink everyday… These are just things that happen in life, people get addicted to things (legal or not) and again, if these drugs were legalized taxed and then the taxes were used for recovery programs I like to think it would be easier to get readily available and funded help. Right now the crack addicted mom can’t afford to get help, she can't take the time off the low paying job she has to really clean herself up, but if there were programs where she was removed from her familiar addictive lifestyle and was ensured that her children would be well taken care of and she wouldn’t lose her job upon return, quitting would likely be much easier. I am not living in a fantasy world where I think this is how all addictions will turn out, this is the ideal solution but so many things in life don’t fall into an ideal. There will always be addicts, there will always be homeless, all we can do is strive to find the best system that can help people who want to help themselves.

On a more basic level in my personal life I try to live by similar standards (do what I want, as long as I don’t hurt anyone) In these situations I’m the one who decides what qualifies “hurt”, this may be a slippery slope but so is any sort of moral ground. I try to keep things objective but inevitably I end up with a bit of a bias towards one side, but who else can I really trust to make those moral decisions for me? I won’t tell my mom I smoke pot everyday because I love her and I know it would make her worry (or “hurt” her) but that doesn’t mean I agree with her or will stop smoking pot. I guess to an extent I take it for granted that people have common sense, I forget that some people have no sense at all… At the end of the day it’s my common sense that helps me decide what is “good” or “bad”, in the looses use of those terms. I don’t know if that actually answers your question but hopefully it’s enough of a digression to understand my opinion.

Monogamy

Before I had any idea what a real relationship was like I always wondered how you could cheat on someone if you really loved them. I saw it all around me, every time someone would stray they would say “I only love you”, “I still love you”, or “I took them back because they love me”. It’s not that I ever thought of sex as love, I’ve had sex with far more people than I’ve ever loved, I know the difference, but rather it was that I couldn’t understand completely deceiving the person who was supposed to be everything to you, going outside of the known emotional boundaries you both had set. But really, it’s little more than any other incident of the numerous betrayals or lies every relationship swarms with and it was jut my conservative catholic upbringing screaming in the back of my head that this lie was somehow worse than all others.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and familiarity breeds contempt weren’t just said without reason, they were felt. Nothing ruins a relationship like “love”, love means this person bears all to you, all their nasty inner workings, their dark history and expects you to see them the same way and vice versa. Love is boring, it’s doing the same things everyday with the same person, that’s why people go on vacations together and come back “more in love then ever” or separated, they either remember what doing new things together is like or realize there’s more out there for them.

Cheating seems to be a betrayal of the whole point of being in a relationship, which seems to be keeping each other away from other people. What a strange ideal, what a cruel goal. Much to my chagrin I suffer from jealousy just as everyone else. I can’t reason myself out of it, Like so many hack musicians, I can’t tell my feelings how to feel. With all my evolutionary advances I can’t control the rage at the thought of someone else taking what is only ”mine”. “Mine” is the problem, when you have few things you value, that are only “mine”; the costs of losing them go up. Being poor keeps people afraid, afraid to think new things, afraid to stray from the already paved road to success, and afraid to lose what they already have. Going back to the days when we lived in caves and on plains and protected our mates because in was safer in a family and children took so long to become adults. Most of us share the hardship of surviving with our ancient relatives but those who don’t have an easier time losing things or people because if that happens they still have others, they can still survive. Swingers are usually pretty comfortable in the other aspects of their life, professionally, physically, financially.

To overcome this wired in understanding is surely an innovation of the mind, to tell your feelings what to feel, to reason with emotion. This is not something that comes easily; this is altering the way we think, giving up everything we were thought, beyond that, feel. I can see the logic, I can understand it, but how do you work a feeling a certain way? Can you just talk yourself into it if you talk loud enough for long enough? Do you have to completely alter everything in your life to make up for this new thought process? Is it a complete life change?

Being a libertarian is fucking hard

So everyone is supposed to be able to do anything they want as long as they’re not hurting anyone when they do it. I have always tried to live my life with this philosophy, it’s the most surefire way to be a “good” person. What I skipped over in my young ideological mind was the part where someone you love is doing something that isn’t hurting anyone but you still don’t like it.

So here I am questioning all my morality simply because suddenly the “right” thing doesn’t feel “right”. I want the ideological existence I strived to be, I never want to feel anger, jealousy, isolation, or vengeance because I feel like they are a waste of my time. Anyone can be gone at any time and the years have left me a paranoid coward, not the unshakable girl I was as a teenager. I want to be the kind of person that can hear almost anything and be okay with it, or at least see it in a new point of view.

I’m working on the jealous part now, vengeance was never much of a problem, I’m still angry sometimes but it’s not out of hand at all, it’s just the closeness, which I suppose was a “problem” before if the past is any indicator. I always pull away, does everybody? It’s weird, no one likes pulling away or being distant, but it always happens to me. So is this what it’s like for everyone? Are you really always alone in the end like every person who wants to sound tough says? It’s so weird that we can be aware of our surroundings and fellow animals and yet be the only ones that really understand “alone”. Dogs try to die alone, most animals do if they can help it, why is that? Is that like trying to save their relatives from moving or moving the body from their living space? Maybe they are giving themselves back to the earth, like leaving behind everything they had in life and going off alone to offer their body’s to whatever passing animal really needs an easy meal that day.

Maybe all my problems do stem from this weird death complex, do the majority think about dying everyday. Everything I plan to do depends on how I feel about death that day. It’s weird, I feel like my old self, my apathetic 17 year old self that just thought about death and how hollow everyone and everything in life was. Someone I would laugh at now.

Back to the matter at hand I guess, how do you support all these things you so strongly believe in when they all seem hollow anyway? I feel like I don’t want or need anybody because they aren’t really there at the end anyway and no matter how special you think your connection is there are a million just like it and it could happen with any one of many people who share your obvious values and interests. It’s easy to make it work, all you do is say sorry when you give up, and if it works on the other levels, food, shelter, electronics, then eventually everyone says sorry and they pat themselves on the backs for being grown ups. Such a strange world we live in, people still believe in life after death, that love is an actual emotion, and the atomic family, we are one tenth of a billionth degree from reaching absolute zero when all atoms stop and we slowed down the speed of light and the majority of people still think they will shed their mortal coil and acend to paradise!

Summer 03'

I was on my way to a punk rock show the summer right after I graduated high school; I was young, single, and swimming in heat and hormones. I coursed my way from the depths of Scarborough on the Rapid Transit system, the only one on the car at 10pm on a Saturday night. I was headed Downtown towards the 360 (when that still existed as a venue) Another passenger got on at Midland, a tall, cute redhead with (GASP!) baggy jeans, 1 inch pins, and a news boy cap. I immediately couldn’t tear my eyes away, all the confidence I had walked onto that car with was quickly fleeing from within. Then, the glances. The nervous glances that make your belly swirl with possibility. Finally the half hand wave and I was his. He was headed the same way as me on the subway and we sat together, talking about music and anything else we could grasp at. I told him where I was headed and he was thrilled to find someone in Scarborough who went to live music shows. I told him about the band (my favorite one at the time) and the show and just when we were leaning in, enthralled with every word we heard from each other he realized he was at his stop and in a panic rushed away with a quick goodbye. I was so disappointed, I was sure it would end up on some “missed connection” page.Cut to the end of the night, I had just watched my favorite band put on one of the best shows I had ever seen. I felt so good, I was 18 and there alone because I was figuring out my freedom, realizing I didn’t need anything or anyone else to do the things I wanted to do, go downtown, see a band, make new friends. And as we filtered out of the now closing Legionnaires Hall there he was again. I was so confused to why or how he was there, He had got off the train 15 stops ago and I hadn’t mentioned where the show was. He told me he had got off the train and immediately regretted it, he stayed in the station leafing through a NOW magazine trying to find a show listing for the band I was talking about because he had to see me again and figured he wouldn’t get another chance otherwise.It was 2am, already past my curfew (especially since my parents didn’t know I had a fake ID, but it was summer and I didn’t care anyway) I took his outstretched hand and we walked east along Queen Street until we found a park. We lay in the grass and talked with the haze of alcohol and marijuana , we talked about music, politics, spirituality, and all the things you talk about when you have all night with one person and you think you need to know everything about them. And then when we ran out of things to say, that’s when the kissing came. It was the kind of urgent kissing only teenagers and people who shouldn’t be kissing can understand, when touching knees is explosive, when the stars are your only audience. My phone was ringing off the hook, my terrified mother at 5 am, I knew I had to leave, the sun would be up so soon. He came with me, all the way back into Scarborough on the empty blue-light, even though he lived somewhere in the beaches. We knew, like every teenager that has a surreal night that we had found something in each other, something to hang onto, our heads where in the clouds. My stop surprised us what seemed like hours after we decided to head home and this time I was the one rushing off, reality was starting to sink in, the sun was up, it was almost 7 am and I needed a story for my parents! I skipped towards the door barely able to pull my face from his, my heart smeared all over my sleeve and face. I gave him the coy “call me” line, one foot already out the door and as my other foot touched pavement I heard him call back “Wait! I don’t have your number!” That was it, I never saw him again. I was really upset for a sometime afterwards but soon I was 19, summer was over and I was meeting new people, playing in my own band and like so many other things about high school and being a teenager he was forgotten. I’ll always have a great summer fling story and I’ll always remember what it’s like to be 18, impulsive, and totally in love for 12 hours.